With the recent opening of Profile bar in Soho, many a straight girl is destined to join her gay friends for a night on the town to check it out. Of course a fabulous time will be had by all, but if you’re a gay bar virgin, out of practice, or have had bad experiences, heed this advice written by yours truly – a straight girl who has learnt a thing or two from navigating her way through both local and international gay bars over the years – to ensure that the night is made even more fabulous by your presence.
1. DO Dress Fabulously - It helps to have an outfit talking piece to break the ice with strangers, like a costume ring Liz Taylor would envy, a necklace that could pass as a sculpture, or something you couldn’t get away with in a straight bar for fear of unwanted male ogling or the catty female once over. Remember Sex and the City’s Carrie on a night out at a gay club telling an admirer, “Day-glo underwear – look into it!”
2. DON’T Act Like You’re at the Taping of a Documentary for the National Geographic Channel – This means pointing and gaping at men kissing and flirting with each other like you’ve got a visitors’ pass to see gay men mate in their natural habitat. How would you feel if your pulling efforts or night out with your boyfriend attracted stares?
3. DON’T Announce to All and Sundry That You’re Straight – It’s annoying and no one cares. I don’t care if the reason is to attract any fag stags (the male counterpart to the ‘hag’) who may be within earshot – just don’t.
4. DO Expect to Wait for a L-O-N-G Time at the Bar for Service – We are again reminded of Carrie trying to get the bartender’s attention in a sea of beautiful men, when that hot Aussie approaches her and asks what she needs. “A penis, evidently!” she exclaims in frustration. I’ve waited for eons holding my money out at the bar until one of my male friends came to rescue me (actually, I think he just wanted his damn drink).
Five seconds and a flirty wink later we had vodka tonics in our hands. Remember that, for a straight girl, this is Bizarro World and you are not Supergirl in here. Superman rules and you will not get served ahead of him.
This is a good time to mention that, unless the tall, dark and handsome stranger standing next to you offers to buy you a drink out of the goodness of his heart, you should have enough dosh in your purse to buy your own drinks – they don’t accept leg and cleavage as currency in Bizarro World!
5. DO Drink Semi-Sensibly – While we’re on the subject of alco-ma-hol, don’t act like Sophie Anderton’s wayward cousin who just got out of rehab and is now best friends with Britney Spears just because there are no straight men to impress by acting demure. Of course you can let your hair down, but getting to the point where you’re mouthing off at the poor sod who glances sideways at you, spilling a dozen other people’s cocktails mid-way through a heartfelt Girls Aloud rendition and falling over while trying to flag down a taxi is NEVER a good look.
6. DON’T Separate Your Friend and the Guy He’s Trying to Pull – I know it can be difficult to realize, but understand that there are times when you may be cramping the style of the fabulous friend who brought you with him, so know when to make yourself scarce. It sometimes helps to have a code system in place for such a scenario – if he runs a hand through his hair, for example, then leave the two hotties be; if he cracks his knuckles, it means this guy’s a weirdo / minger and please rescue me!
7. DON’T Play Cupid – I’m reminded of an episode of Hollyoaks where poor John-Paul was followed into a gay club by his mum and sisters, who then proceeded to chat up guys for him – cringe-worthy! Don’t think true love will blossom just because two guys are gay, attractive and have you to play matchmaker for them. Also remember how Sex and the City’s Anthony hit the roof after Charlotte unwisely tried to set him up with Stanford. “He looks like a young Ed Harris!” she told him. This plan failed spectacularly and led to a feud between the two men that lasted the rest of the show’s duration. Stay out of the love lives of your gay friends and everyone will be much better off!
8. DO Perve on the Merchandise, but Respect That the Men Are Gay – Samantha had it about right when she waltzed into the men’s room and sang out that she was just browsing – “Kinda like being a diabetic at Baskin Robbins”. Everyone loves a compliment, after all. But saying things like, “Are you sure you’re gay?” and “That’s such a shame” is not something they will appreciate. Yes, they are sure they are gay and no, they certainly won’t agree with you that it’s a shame. A girl entering a gay bar has to know that she is not going to find a beautiful man looking for a hot straight encounter. But saying this, of course, by all means go for a good perve – I highly recommend it!
9. DO Be Candid – Experience has taught me that a lot of gay men don’t tolerate bull shit – they prefer honesty and openness. I’m not saying share every intimate detail of your love life, your childhood, or Milko, the imaginary friend you had growing up, but contrary to the belief of some of my girlfriends who feel they have to constantly be ‘on’ or act differently in a gay bar, I’ve found that it’s one of the few social forums where I can actually show more of myself. The ability to cut through the small talk and let your guard down a little in a relatively safe, no hidden agendas environment is one of the many reasons why gay men and straight women work so well together – so why fight it?
10. DO Be Prepared to Get Home Safely and On Your Own Steam – Have a solid contingency plan for the likely event that your gay friend(s) will either pick up or want to stay at the club until dawn. Either be prepared to stay until closing with them, bring a girlfriend and make sure you have enough money between you to get your own taxi home, or arrange to have a friend pick you up. We don’t want your memories of the fabulous night you just had marred by an endless and lonely wander through the near-empty streets as daylight breaks – heels in hand – looking hopelessly for the nearest tube station now, do we?
Love great films? Get Unveiled by Angelina Maccarone. Buy online and save some money to put towards other dyke films like Some Prefer Cake, Everything Relative, Make A Wish, Prey for Rock 'n' Roll, Bar Girls and 2 Seconds.